09 January, 2009

On the Cusp of Silence

After the hullabaloo of the holidays, every morning started to feel like a madhouse around here, especially after I'd become so used to waking up to an empty house around 7:30, setting in to work alone. With Jason laid off or working sketchy hours, and our girl home from school so frequently either on account of the holidays or cruddy weather, finding a moment's peace felt impossible. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't enjoy spending time with my family, but I also enjoy a good plank of solitude from time to time. It's good for the mind, it clears away that need for dependence. The voices in my head can talk to each other without getting interrupted.

I woke up this morning and the house was calm. The school bus had already come and Jason was still asleep. I crept out into the living room and felt for a moment like things were almost normal. Living in the country, mornings tend to be silent in the winter. We live next door to a small farmer's market, so things can get a little hairy in the summer, but this time of year the mornings are often still.

I suited up (like I was going extended deep sea diving, of course,) and put the dog on his leash. I expected it to be frigid and cruel, but the temperature was actually somewhat refreshing. We started on his daily trek around the yard and that was when I noticed it. Soft, tiny flakes of snow were falling, despite the bright sky. Without the wind, it felt so magical, peaceful. I stood there with my face against the sky until I felt renewed.

I needed that.

Now, as the morning world comes alive, I feel that sense of peace I was missing during the crazy season. May it stay with me all day and make my voice lighter, my reactions calmer and my mind clearer.

"Say I am You" by Rumi:

I am dust particles in sunlight.
I am the round sun.

To the bits of dust I say, Stay.
To the sun, Keep moving.

I am morning mist,
and the breathing of evening.
I am wind in the top of a grove,
and surf on the cliff.

Mast, rudder, helmsman, and keel,
I am also the coral reef they founder on.

I am a tree with a trained parrot in its branches.
Silence, thought, and voice.

The musical air coming through a flute,
a spark of stone, a flickering in metal.
Both candle and the moth crazy around it.
Rose, and the nightingale lost in the fragrance.

I am all orders of being, the circling galaxy,
the evolutionary intelligence, the lift, and the falling away.

What is, and what isn't.

You who know, Jelaluddin,
You the one in all, say who I am.
Say I am you.--Rumi


Nicole Ireland said...

Your words are like poetry, Jenny. Every time I read something you write, it's like present. I can picture in my head exactly what you wrote. Solitude is nice one in awhile. I don't get it very often myself, but when I do, I love to close my eyes and just take it in. It really can make a difference in your day.

Jenny Beans said...

Thank you for the compliment, Nikki. Silence and solitude are both rare occasions in the world we live in, and as mothers, it's almost like our unspoken duty to set aside our own quests for peace and quiet to cater to everyone else's needs. But sometimes, escaping to that place to refresh the mind and spirit is absolutely necessary. I was really grateful for it this morning.

Morgan Mandel said...

I love the DH and dog, but I also love it when they're both asleep and I can sit at my computer and create. That's why sometimes I stay up later than I should.

Morgan Mandel

Mindy Lee said...

The voices in my head can talk to each other without getting interrupted....
I do believe that this is my new favorite saying...can I quote you???

Jenny Beans said...

Mindy, you may absolutely quote me on that! :D