Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda...

I have done a lot of crazy things in my life. From the time I was very young until about thirty minutes ago when I was at the gas station, I've done things that have the potential to make other people feel ashamed or even worried. Not ashamed of me, of course. I'm not that outrageous, but I do take risks that many people would consider foolish. The difference between me and them is that some people will take the same risks, but they walk away feeling ashamed and foolish... beating themselves up and crying over spilled milk.

The three words I chose for the title of this blog are perhaps three of the most useless words in the English language. Should. Could. Would. Think about what each of them means, what they really mean, and while you're thinking I will use each one in a really silly sentence.

1. I should have passed on that cheesecake.

2. I could have volunteered for the fundraiser, but I didn't.

3. I would have doublechecked the answers if I'd had more time.

Whether you've come up with your own examples, or you've read over mine, you can clearly see the error in each sentence. Yeah, maybe you SHOULD have passed on the cheesecake, but the fact of the matter is, you didn't. You can't take it back now, so why are you crying about it? I'm sure the people you could have volunteered for were really happy to hear about what you could have done (but didn't...) for them. And obviously, whether you would have doublechecked your answers or not, the simple fact of the matter is you didn't.

Those three words are the types of things we utter whenever we have remorse or regret. Unfortunately, so many of us are walking around everywhere we go, all day long experiencing regret and remorse over everything we do. The foods we choose, the people we talk to, the words we say, the choices we make in the grocery store and the money we spend. If I had a nickel for every time I said, "I shouldn't have bought that (insert object here)," I would be a millionaire.

The thing is, I've spent a great deal of time in the last ten years trying to rid those three words from my vocabulary entirely. Believe it or not, there are ways you can do it. There are two methods I employ in my own life and they work very well. The first one is that I decided a long time ago that as far as I know, I've only got this one life to live... Even if science and spirituality one day discover that reincarnation is a fact, in another life I am not the same person I am in this life. When I do things, no matter if they are stupid or brilliant, the last thing I want to do afterward is waste time thinking about how I could, should or would have done them better. I decided a long time ago to live my life without regret, which cuts back on the amount of time I spend moping over decisions made and executed. The second thing is boils down to responsibility. When you take responsibility for everything you do, no matter how brilliant or foolish, there's no need to reevaluate what "should, could or would" have been done better or differently.

Dr. Wayne Dyer once talked about using should, could, would on children. Children automatically see the error in those words because they operate on that mindframe. They inherently know that you can't go back in time to fix what you should, could or even would have done differently.

So the next time you're about to say, "Oh, I should have...could have...would have... done things this way," stop before it even leaves your mouth and think about those words. If you can still change the outcome, just do it. If it's said and done, let it go. There's nothing you can do to change it.

Now before you say, "But what about learning from our mistakes? By saying, could, should or would, I can think about the next time and change my reaction..." Let's face it. There isn't going to be a next time. The next time you're thinking about is going to be a completely different experience than the one you just had. If you already know your error, you'll correct it without dwelling on what might have been. Like I said above, we get to live THIS life just once. Why not own all of our choices, even the ones we're not so proud of. Instead of ending this blog post with the words, "I should be editing my novel," I'm just going to go and do it!

Another One of Those Days

I don't like to sink into the because it's just negative energy, so instead of letting the little things get to me today, I schluffed them off and washed them down the drain. Now I'm sitting here with a warm hot chocolate and Bailey's reflecting on where I need to go from this new perspective of mine.

Things have been a little tense for quite some time. When you aren't able to rely on something you put 100% of yourself into, it's incredibly disheartening. Especially when you put so much of yourself into that thing, often sacrificing other things that are important to you for the sake of someone else's success.

If I've learned anything today, it's this: my successes are my own. Times are tough right now, but if I let that discourage me from following my dreams those who would oppose and oppress me win. Maybe the ideals I was raised under are outdated, but they shaped and molded me into who I am. My dreams are my own, they will be my successes, and nothing short of death can take them away.

That's the great thing about being free. Even under tyranny and oppression they can't take your dreams away from you. Dreams are what provide hope on an individual and mass level. I've heard tell recently that the time for being childish and dreaming has come to an end now that the economy has plummeted, but if you ask me what better time to strive for a better reality?

It doesn't matter if the things in your life that are holding you back right now are simple or so major you feel you'll never be free. I hope you take a moment today to remember at least one dream that has sustained you through thick and thin, and pay homage to the power of that dream. It may just lift you up and put you in a place of empowerment.

When You're Just Not In the Mood

Today was a little rough around the edges, though now that it's winding down it doesn't feel like the little annoyances really mattered all that much. Despite it all, I managed to spend a great deal of my day laughing, and in the end that is all that matters.

At the end of it all, I just wasn't in the mood to blog tonight, at least not on a philosophical or technical level. But I did want to share a laugh with anyone who needs it at the end of a long Monday.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

There are No Fair Weather Dreams

I am not a winter girl. I have never been about winter. Born in the second half of May, there is a great longing that begins inside me right around the end of December that is not quelled until I can open the windows for an hour or so each day to start airing out my house. This doesn't usually start in Pennsylvania until the end of March, sometimes the end of April, but these last two days the weather has actually been mild. After spending the last three weeks on edge over temperatures borderlining the negative, yesterday's rising temperatures inspired a bit of hope in this winter weary heart.

My husband thinks I'm crazy. I can't imagine leaving this side of the country because I would feel empty without the change of seasons, but winter weather wears on me so quickly. For years now I've joked that in another life I was a bear because I hibernate the long winter months away, preferring to stay indoors in my comfy clothes, rather than venturing out into the ice and snow. My temper is also just a tad bit higher during the winter months, like a mama bear just daring someone to push her too hard.

The thing is, winter has been a tough time for my family for as long as I can remember. My husband took on a job in the same field as my father because it paid well at the time, but even as a child the housing industry lulled during the winter months. I remember my dad getting laid off from his job, the long months of unemployment barely enough to get our family through. Now my own family struggles through winter under the same pretenses. It's been worse this year than it has been in the entire time my husband's been employed there. For the previous three years he was working half weeks, three day weeks and collecting partial unemployment. This year, he's only worked three days since the New Year dawned.

Despite the financial lag, I enjoy having him around. We get to spend a lot of time together, something that is tough under the strain of his job. During the summer he often worked ten hour days and was required to work at least four on Saturdays. I miss the money, the stability that comes with it, but on the other hand I am reminded of how much he never wanted to take that job in the first place. He is an artist and musician. Plagued by the calling of his craft to create, not being able to answer the muse's whim can be somewhat devastating to one's creativity. Now that he's home, he's been juggling creative projects slowly, trying to regain a sense of what was lost during those long years of slaving for something he really didn't even believe in.

We all do it, and of course I have heard it said, "What else can you do?" I disagree, even though I've been in this situation myself. Suffered through the wrath of disappointments, the hardship of struggling financially through the winter months when work was slow for both of us, but to sacrifice so much of one's self for material gain seems a shame. While I was in college I worked two very flexible jobs, one on campus and one in a restaurant and bar I had worked in on and off for about five years. It was still not enough.

It got me to thinking about all of the gurus out there that talk about doing what you love. There is even a book titled, "Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow." How many of us sacrifice that which we know in our hearts we are meant to do out of fear of failure? Even as we know that if we put our hearts into our dreams, anything is possible. I realize it's difficult to keep that frame of mind when times get tough... even now as the news touts the economic disaster that is our time, there is still possibility. We just refuse to grasp for it out of fear. The thing is, as long as mankind has been recording his history, there has been art, music, stories and even sports.

Sure, we need manufacturers, farmers, computer technicians, teachers... and there are people who are born with that passion in them as well. My mother, for instance, has said for the last fifteen years that all she ever wanted was to be a teacher. So she went back to college, got her degree, became a teacher... And it wasn't easy. Sometimes it's still difficult for her, especially now as it's so hard to find permanent work in our area, but there is potential, and she knows it. My own history hasn't been easy. Since I was ten years old, all I ever wanted was to be a writer. It's how I express myself, how I communicate. I can say things so much more eloquently if I type or write them out, but my own mouth is like a curse, often spewing forth things that don't make sense at all compared to the thoughts I have inside my head. So I've written... I've had my share of minor successes and continue to have them even now. I went to college thinking maybe I should study something that might actually bring me a job, but halfway through my first semester I knew that I was lying to myself. I declared English/Creative Writing as my major despite the hesitation of my advisers.

Why would you want to get an education that isn't going to serve you? That was what one adviser asked me. He told me stories about another girl who majored in art, but worked at Wendy's fast food restaurant now because who was going to hire an art major. But the thing is, my education does serve me. It serves my soul. I know in my heart that despite struggling from time to time, I've made the right choices. I have been true to myself, and I hope you have to. If you haven't, maybe it's time to start listening to your calling. There will always be a need for people to step into places they don't belong, but even greater is the need for people to step into who they are meant to be.

Be yourself. Be true to yourself, and even as the winter months are long, and you find yourself feeling like a bear trapped in a hibernation stupor, remember that the spring will come again. The sun renews the soul and your dreams are waiting for you to remember them.



Believe in yourself
To the depth of your being

Nourish the talents
Your spirit is freeing

Know in your heart
When the going gets slow

That your faith in yourself
Will continue to grow

Don't forfeit ambition
When others may doubt

It's your life to live
You must live it throughout

Learn from your errors
Don't dwell in the past

Never withdraw
From a world that is vast

Believe in yourself
Find the best that is you

Let your spirit prevail
Steer a course that is true
--Author Unknown

Pack Up Your Knives and Come Cook for Me

I haven't done this often on here, as I blog entertainment from time to time with my bff on the 2 Screaming Chicks blog, but I love food and I love this show, so the time has come for me to strap on the foam finger and wave Top Chef's Stefan Richter right on through to the Top Chef New York season finale.

I realize that supporting Richter could potentially earn me a bit of slack. After all, he's possibly one of the most arrogant contestants ever to have appeared on Top Chef, as if anyone thought that was even possible after Marcel. On the contrary, there is something much more appealing about Richter's arrogance, and he has certainly proven himself these last few weeks.

I started routing for Stefan when he decided to take it upon himself to seduce the series' lesbian, Jamie, to no avail. Then there was his shirt, "I Make Great Babies." How could you not love a guy with confidence in his sperm count? One of the greatest motivators, however, was when rival contestant Hosea decided to compare his own skill level to Stefan's, grasping at any opportunity he could get in front of the camera to bash the Danish-born, German-raised chef.

During the entire season of Top Chef, Stefan has been on the bottom only once (a complete farce, let me tell you,) which just goes to show he obviously likes control. And if you've got any doubts about his skills, watch this man handle a writhing eel!

Mad Eel Skills

While his arrogance is obviously an issue for many Top Chef viewers, I think there is a lacking "entitlement" that makes that arrogance endearing. The same arrogance on Hosea is lacking in charm, evidence of definite overwatered-wallflower syndrome (ie, he thinks he deserves better, but won't take action to prove himself, unless it's when making out with fellow contestant, Leah, but that's another story.)

My Top Chef prediction is that Stefan is going to take it all the way to the finale and mop up the competition because there hasn't been a chef on there this season who can compare to his skill or his confidence.

You can find out more about Stefan Richter by visiting his website: Stefan's European Catering

Pictures of you....

One of my favorite writing outlets is the personal memoir. I didn't realize this until I took a creative non-fiction writing course in college with one of my favorite writing professors. I had always viewed non-fiction as history, essay and hardcore fact, completely forgetting that some of my favorite non-fiction books were actually auto-biographies and memoirs. The thing that makes memoir-writing exciting to me is that no one ever remembers the same event in exactly the same way. You could have four different people experience an event, and two weeks later have all four people write down the memory of what happened. You can almost guarantee that while all four stories have a similar theme, each one will be completely different.

Not everyone experiences things in the same way. Not everyone processes things in the same way. It's one of the reasons that there is often discord within society. Mankind just wants others to see his point of view, to experience things in the same way he does, but it's just not possible. Sure, we meet up with people that we share views with all the time, but that's not the same thing as trying to get someone to see things exactly the way you do. This is where a good memoir comes in.

I was fortunate enough to grow up in Pennsylvania farm country. Though if you had asked me as a kid how fortunate I felt about that, I would have laughed in your face. My family bought a home slap-dab in the center of a middle-class neighborhood that housed about fourteen kids ranging in age from seventeen years to one year. Because of where the neighborhood was nestled, at the base of a small mountain and just above the banks of Muncy Creek, the fourteen kids in that neighborhood had more potential for adventure than you could possibly imagine. Even within the smaller branches of the group, generally based on age, we saw tragedies, wonders and learned a lot about ourselves from each other.

My memories of the way things were are probably much different than the people I grew up with. My views were shaped by perception and personal experiences that none of the others had gone through. My emotions were often altered by my own dealings with those other people, shaping my reactions and experiences. I often wonder how the people I grew up with would react if they were to read some of the stories I've told about our quiet little neighborhood. The revelation of a number of skeletons would probably horrify some, while drawing others together in mutual acquiescence. I often wonder what parents will think when they read some of the things we got up to, and not just my own parents, but parents I respected as a kid immensely. I wonder who would call my memories lies, and who might call them exaggeration, as both have been known to happen where memoirs are concerned, but in the end I don't care.

Those experiences were my own. They were some of the most vivid and colorful years of my life, even on days the color was a hideous shade of blackish-green.

If you've never taken the time to write a memoir before, I can tell you, the experience itself is liberating. All you need for inspiration is an old photo album, maybe some old letters, or just a little time strolling down memory lane. You can start out the process by telling and retelling stories to others by mouth. After all, the art of story telling itself was once verbal, and the more you tell your stories aloud, the easier it will be to write them down.

Many of us who are adults today grew up in a time uniquely different than the one we live in today. There were no cell phones or personal computers when I was a kid. There was no cable television or satellite in my neighborhood. We grew up so far out there that the cable company refused to run a line out our road. Kids didn't spend all of their time indoors battling imaginary video game forces. Sure, we had systems. I grew up on Atari and Sega Genesis, but we knew when to put the paddles down and go outside. As writers, even better as memoir writers, we owe it to our time and to the people who will never get to experience that time, to share our memories. Otherwise they'll be forgotten.

So next time you're wracking your brain for inspiration, and you just can't find a plot, why not take a trip down memory lane? Once you're on the path it'll come rushing back in ways you never dreamed, and that's the stuff history is made of.

Sneak Peek at 2009 Grammy Awards

Take a peak at these great pages the Mahalo Team put together to celebrate the Grammy's this weekend. Everything you want to know and more about this year's Grammys, right here at your fingertips.

Neil Diamond MusiCares Person of the Year
Smokey Robinson Grammy Performance
Stevie Wonder Grammy Performance
M.I.A. Grammy Performance
Kenny Chesney Grammy Performance
Sugarland Grammy Performance
Jamie Fox Ne-Yo Grammy Performance
Carrie Underwood Grammy Performance
Jay-Z Grammy Performance
T.I. Grammy Performance
Chris Brown Grammy Performance
Adele Grammy Performance
Kanye West Grammy Performance
Jonas Brothers Grammy Performance
Jennifer Hudson Grammy Performance
Rihanna Grammy Performance
Robert Plant and Alison Krauss Grammy Performance
Kid Rock Grammy Performance
U2 Grammy Performance
Radiohead Grammy Performance
Paul McCartney Grammy Performance
Katy Perry Grammy Performance
Coldplay Grammy Performance
Lil Wayne Grammy Performance
Justin Timberlake Grammy PerformanceBest Rock Album 2009 Grammy Performance
Best Alternative Music Album 2009 Grammys
Best Country Album 2009 Grammys
Best Pop Vocal Album 2009 Grammys
Best Rap Album 2009 Grammys
Grammy Awards
Grammy Nominations
2009 Grammy Nominations
Album of the Year 2009 Grammys
Song of the Year 2009 Grammys
Record of the Year 2009 Grammys
Best New Artist 2009 Grammys
2009 Grammy Nomination Performances
2009 Grammy Performances
Grammy Winners 2009
2009 Grammy Awards Photos
Grammy 2009 Live Coverage

Into the Dreamscape

As long as I can remember, dreams have been one of my favored pastimes. Whether I was waking up from an intense escapade and hurriedly recording it in my dream journal, or sitting by the window as it rained daydreaming about some faraway place I'd rather be, my life has been a myriad of wonders thanks to how attentive I have been to my own dreams.

So fascinated with dreams have I been that it is a rare occasion for me to write anything longer than a short story without some kind of dream sequence in it. Main characters dreaming of the symbolic guidance they seek or slipping into a world dictated by dreaming itself... the dream world is a place in which anything can and usually does happen.

Whether you're Freudian in your dream beliefs or you've evolved with the studies over the last century, what we know about dreams and their actual function in our life is very little. Some theorists believe that dreams are the mind's way of processing events, thoughts and occurrences from the day before. Others think that dreams are important messages sent to us by the brain about things in our life that we might be overlooking, ie. health problems, struggles in relationships and so on. There are even people who believe that because dreams occur during an altered state of consciousness they are messages from the divine or the universe that occur in symbolic forms. People have told stories of the divine messages they've received, of how they dreamed of things before they happened, dreamed of people before they ever met...

The thing about dreams that makes them great fodder for stories is the interpretation of symbols. Universal symbols are easier to work with, and if you do a little research into basic dream symbols it's easy to incorporate a little dream mystery into your plot line. Deeper research into dream interpretation methods holds the potential to create a rich plot steeped in subtle symbols. The thing is, we all create our own symbols, based on our personal experiences, so the universal symbol for a bumblebee might not mean the same thing to someone who lives in the Tundra as it would for a person who lived on the equator.

Another great idea that has actually proven pretty productive for me over the years is writing down your dreams and drawing story ideas from the bizarre occurrences and symbols within. This morning I dreamed about robots that looked exactly like people (yeah, yeah, we all know I watch too much Battlestar Galactica while on the treadmill...) infiltrating a city school system to destroy the children. I was chosen, along with four other people to go back into a specific section of the school to secure the area. I had one person to back me up. As I walked into the school, my back up person behind me, there was a flash of light that revealed a person up ahead. I shot and hit the person, and we surged forward to detain them. It was Arnold Swarzeneggar... ironic because of his role in the Terminator series... Now I'm certainly not going to write Battlestar Galactica/Terminator Crossover Fanfiction, but there were several inspiring ideas in the overall span of the dream.

And what if you're not into writing fiction? Poetry! My personal notebooks are filled to the brim with dream-inspired poetry. Abstract and structured poems alike, the unstable territory of the dreamworld is an intense medium for channeling the profound.

I know there are probably quite a few people out there who are already shaking their heads while reading, ready to assure me rather matter-of-factly that they don't dream, but that's just not true. Everyone dreams, every night. As long as your body enters into REM sleep each night, you can guarantee that you have dreamed. Unfortunately a lot of people don't remember their dreams. If you happen to be one of those unfortunate people, you can work to change this by thinking differently about dreams. By deciding that you will remember your dreams, you increase your chances of waking up with the aftermath of nightly wanderings still fresh in your mind. The next step is to start writing them down. Keeping an active dream journal will guarantee that you not only increase the frequency of your dreams, but you become more likely to remember them.

In a world where they continually say there is nothing new under the sun, why not step out onto the dreamscape and take a gander. The sun may not even shine where you dream, so what on earth are they going to say about that?

I leave you with these final thoughts by Edgar Allan Poe:

"Dream"

Oh! that my young life were a lasting dream!
My spirit not awakening, till the beam
Of an Eternity should bring the morrow.
Yes! tho' that long dream were of hopeless sorrow,
'Twere better than the cold reality
Of waking life, to him whose heart must be,
And hath been still, upon the lovely earth,
A chaos of deep passion, from his birth.
But should it be- that dream eternally
Continuing- as dreams have been to me
In my young boyhood- should it thus be given,
'Twere folly still to hope for higher Heaven.
For I have revell'd, when the sun was bright
I' the summer sky, in dreams of living light
And loveliness,- have left my very heart
In climes of my imagining, apart
From mine own home, with beings that have been
Of mine own thought- what more could I have seen?
'Twas once- and only once- and the wild hour
From my remembrance shall not pass- some power
Or spell had bound me- 'twas the chilly wind
Came o'er me in the night, and left behind
Its image on my spirit- or the moon
Shone on my slumbers in her lofty noon
Too coldly- or the stars- howe'er it was
That dream was as that night-wind- let it pass.

I have been happy, tho' in a dream.
I have been happy- and I love the theme:
Dreams! in their vivid coloring of life,
As in that fleeting, shadowy, misty strife
Of semblance with reality, which brings
To the delirious eye, more lovely things
Of Paradise and Love- and all our own!
Than young Hope in his sunniest hour hath known.

Watch Your Mouth... or Your Pen...

Or even your keyboard. This is not something I ever really wanted to do. Watching what I said for the simple sake of sparing someone else from disagreeing with me has never been my style. Not that I go around looking for ways to offend people, but with the luxury of free speech, why not speak our minds?

I started thinking about this when last night, while writing my nightly poem in bed, I had a great starter line for a short story. Offensive, completely! As I scrawled it on the back of the poem so I didn't forget it to today, I thought about all of the people that one line had the potential to offend. Neighbors, old family friends, former professors, hell, just about everyone I'd ever met really. It made me want to get to work straight away on writing the story, even if it's already been hinted at or done in other places.

Why? Because watching what we say has made us soft and boring. Soft like goo, oozing through the world's fingers without thought or opinion of our own. I swear if I could go back in time and erase political correctness before it became a trend, I would, but then what?

So tell me, fellow writers, even fellow speakers or just human beings, how often do you hold back and refrain from exploring a plotline or avenue of interst out of fear for what the majority will think? While biting down on your tongue so hard you start to taste blood, does it ever occur to you that maybe the people you're afraid of are thinking the same thing? It's a fine line between being honest and just being crass, I realize that, but by not being honest with the world, we lie to ourselves.

So the next time you have a really good thought that you shy away from simply because you're afraid of what others might think of you for writing it, or speaking about it, embrace it. Maybe you're not out to start a revolution in the way people think, but your words may be powerful enough to inspire someone else to do it. Don't bite your tongue. It hurts.


On that note, this is what I want for my birthday:


CAD - Starbucks mug design @ © SplitReason.com

A Health to the Company

We all have our blessings, things we go to bed at night thanking the Gods for. When I step back from the shadow of the day, I can't complain about the hand I've been dealt. Sure, I have wanted more at times, and there have been other times when I was sure that I deserved more than I got, but when it all comes down to it, there has been very little in my life I have had to do without.

As I mentioned in Sunday's blog, I was blessed with the good fortune of finding my soul mate early in my life. On that same note, I was lucky enough to encounter two of the greatest friends I would ever know in those final years of high school, and I'm sure it was their love and friendship that saw me through some of the most awkward and difficult moments of my youth.

Good friends are hard to come by, especially when you're young and the way you define friendship is so confused by all the nonsense going on around you. There were a number of people I kept in touch with for awhile after I left school, but even they dwindled out of my life, our experiences and dreams putting a wedge between us that made us no longer as identifiable to one another as we once were.

Maybe our values changed, or our habits differed. Maybe one grew up and the other didn't. The truth is, people move on, but you can tell who was meant to be a part of your life longterm when after eighteen years, you can look to your left or your right, (or even on your facebook page,) and see their smiling face beaming back at you. Even after all this time, you can still share a good laugh together (sometimes so hard you almost pee your pants.)

Today, my friend Mindy commented about how lucky she was to have been blessed with real girlfriends in her life. People she had lived with, gone through weddings, births, divorces and deaths together. People you could call at any hour of the day when you needed someone, and that was one of the things that got me to thinking about this topic.

I know that I am blessed. I have some of the most wonderful friends in the world, people I have shared dreams and shattered hopes with. People who stood on the sidelines and cheered me on, or got up and walked the walk with me, even through rain and sleet and snow, sometimes without shoes. People I would do the same for without any expectation whatsoever, because that's what love is.

So, here's a health to the company, let us drink and be merry all out of one glass. I hope you'll all raise your glass tonight (be it filled with water or wine,) to all of the friends in your life, be they old or new, borrowed or blue (they could be aliens... I don't know). In a world that all too often seems at odds and war, the more often we reach out and squeeze the ones we love around us, the less daunting the hardships will be.

The Beatles once said, "All you need is love," and I'm inclined to concur. Thank you, good night, I love you all.

25 Random Things About Me

So I was tagged a couple different places for this one, and the same list is getting posted everywhere because if I kept doing it it would like 100 random things about me, and frankly if you think I'm random now... keep asking me to create random craziness and you'll see I get much more random. I also already tagged about 40 people all over the net for this, so no tags attached. If you do decide to post a 25 random things about me blog, please let me know. I'd love to learn 25 random things about each and every one of you.

Now, without further ado, 25 Random Things About Me:

1. I am not afraid to admit that I kicked the treadmill's ass today!

2. I currently want to throw my dog out the window... Seriously, who eats pumice stones, Loki? Who?

3. I have giant hair. It's massive. Seriously.

4. My favorite show every created in the history of the universe is Battlestar Galactica (the reimagined series).

5. I am secretly hiding the fact that I am a cylon. Call me a toaster again, I dare ya!

6. I have one daughter who just turned fourteen and I think she is the most beautiful human being ever to have been brought to life.

7. I have two ideas for new tattoos and can't wait until I have the money to get them.

8. Didn't think I would like facebook, but it brought me back to a couple people I really missed. Go internet.

9. I went to college with the intention of getting a degree I could enter the workforce with, however, once I got there, I couldn't stop myself from becoming the inevitable English major.

10. Firmly believes that what you focus on expands. If you're sitting around whinging about how crappy your life is, guess what, it's gonna get crappier... Suck it up and think positive.

11. I have a secret crush on Sting... shut up, it is too a secret. :p

12. I have never met my biological father. He likes to pretend I don't exist. The good thing is, I got a good dad without him, so take that. *karate chop*

13. I think the world needs to laugh a little more and whine a lot less.

14. I have very little tolerance for people who refuse to help themselves. It's a flaw, I know.

15. I plan to move to Scotland to live out the rest of my days.

16. It was firmly decided upon my tenth birthday that I would grow up to be a writer. If only I had known that not all writers make Stephen King's salary.

17. Have I mentioned lately that I'm a cylon?

18. I believe we need to step backward in time and return to the place where family and friends were more important than money and "things."

19. I was fortunate enough to have met my soul mate early in life. Spending life together has been an adventure. YAY for adventure.

20. I think everyone in the world should have an iPod. Music is love, people.

21. I think we need to return to a time of patronage so that real artists with real dreams aren't left to suffer in factories.

22. I think it's lovely that everyone gets to express themselves these days, but people who can't tell a story shouldn't be allowed to get paid to write them.

23. I am not ashamed to admit that Neil Gaiman is my hero.

24. I am glad that I only need to come up with one more random thing-a-ma-whats-it.

25. I miss living in Pittsburgh sometimes, but I would never raise a kid there.

Out with the Old, In with the New

This is the perfect frame of mind for this time of year, Imbolc, which is also known as Midwinter and Candlemas, depending on who you are. Imbolc is an ancient, Celtic pagan holiday that honors the first inklings of the coming spring. In days of old, it was the time when the ewes udders began to grow heavy with milk, a sure sign that the birthing season was on its way.

Today, Imbolc is more commonly known across the western world as "Groundhog Day." Prognosticating woodchucks all across the states climb out of their holes and dictate whether or not winter will flee or linger based on whether or not they see their shadows.

For my family, however, it is a household holiday in honor of the Goddess Brigid. Brigid was the daughter of the Dagda and the Morrigan. She is often turned to by poets and smithies and those who practice the healing arts. Brigid also centers around the element of fire, something that is both abundant in our hearths during the long winter months, but lacking in our skies with the sun only just beginning its long journey back to warmer days.

In honor of Brigid today, and to show the sun how much I long for his return, I took our holiday wreath down from the door and burned it in our fire pit out back. As one of the last symbols of yule remaining in the home, it was a farewell to winter ritual that left me feeling filled with hope for the loosening of tension to come as the weather grows warmer, work returns to our region and the earth prepares itself to receive our seeds. Because Imbolc is an early celebration of fertility, it is the perfect time to begin planning out the garden we will plant this spring.

For those who feel wound in the endless twines of winter, Imbolc is a time to loosen the twine and take a deep breath. Rest assured that spring is on the way, and before you know it tulips will be pushing through the fresh, green grass.

Last, but not least, Imbolc is a time to look to the future. Spring cleaning is obviously not a favored pastime for many, but consider it a time in which you can make room for new things in your life, but packing up the old and removing it. Think of your life and your space in terms of how full it is. If your home is filled with clutter then in order to create space for new things you'll want to part with that which no longer serves you. This also applies to people, ideals, thoughts and habits. It is a great time to remove negative energy from your life in order to make room for positive energy and growth.

Blessed Imbolc, and may Brigid whisper endless inspiration into every muse's ear, providing a year's worth of creativity and prosperity.

Love...it's exciting and new...

This morning was a great wake-up. To be able to roll over and cuddle up in those final few minutes before climbing out of bed. I have been married to my best friend for almost thirteen years. We've known each other for nineteen years, and even after all this time, there is no one else in the world I want to spend time with as much as I do him? We've been through a lot of difficult times together, and yet even through the toughest of them we managed to come out of them even closer than we were before. That is love.

What got me thinking about love is the interaction between two of the charcters in the current story I am working on. A male cybernetic being is talking to a human woman about love and death. She mentions that her husband died before war broke out, shot by terrorists in the park, and had she not shortly thereafter discovered that she was pregnant, she would have taken her own life. She tells him that now if anything ever happened to her son... if it ever came down to it, she would throw her life down without a second thought to save his. He is perplexed by this, not able to process the notion of love being strong enough to dictate the outcome of one's life, but for some people it really is that strong. Romeo and Juliet... suicidal at the mere thought of one losing the other. Characters in a story, yes, but as Oscar Wilde once said, "Life imitates art fare more than art imitates life."

Love is such a powerful force. Those five words seem limp as three day old lettuce in comparison to the actual power of love. When I sit down and try to imagine what my life might have been with him in it, I seem nothing. No him would mean that the child I have now would never have come into being, and thinking about a life without either of those two people just isn't something I like to do.

The funny thing is, we were destined to be together. I truly believe that. We met at the local mall while I was still in high school. He had only just come back from living in Los Angeles. Being a giggling teenager, I and my friend Liz followed him and his friend Andy around the mall for about an hour before we finally followed them out one of the exits, pretending we were going to our car. He came after us. Being incredibly shy, it was a feat for him that only fate could have pushed. He came over and gave me his phone number and the next day we talked on the phone for six hours before he finally convinced his friend to drive down to see me. That night before he left, he kissed me for the first time and told me that he could already see himself spending the rest of his life with me... like we had known each other for an eternity.

I don't like to think about what my life would be like without having ever met him. There were times in the past when things seemed tough that I thought maybe we both would have been better off had we never met, but I know better now. Life's experiences, the ones that we lay on our deathbed contemplating, it's those types of experiences I want to be thinking about. How I was blessed enough to have loved so deeply, to have been loved so deeply... how that no matter how low I felt because of things I had been through, or how badly I felt about myself, there was someone there for me who couldn't see all of those flaws I thought were fatal. And if he did see them, he could see through them, into the person that I really was, and that was who he loved.

I think about all of the people who never find love... who marry out of loneliness only to find themselves even more miserable than they were when they were alone... who marry because their parents' made a choice for them before they were even old enough to think about their own future, and it makes me very sad. Sure, some of those people fall in love. I am reminded of the scene in Fiddler on the Roof (yes, life imitates art, yet again,) when Tevye comes home and asks Golda, "Do you love me?" It seems an absurd question to her. Their relationship has gone on so long that they no longer thought about love the way the young do, but it was there nonetheless. Despite having an arranged marriage, over time they came to love one another very deeply, but not everyone is so lucky.

So when I think about how lucky I am, I don't gloat, but I do treasure it, and I hope that everyone in the world can experience the kind of love that I have been fortunate enough to know. It makes the world go around. Some days it may seem like money, war, hatred and greed are what spin the globe, but that's what the media would like us to believe. They want us to dwell on the gloom and the sorrow, but there is beauty and wonder out there yet.

There are people who are filled with love and hope, and in the end I feel very strongly that love will triumph over all this darkness. Maybe I've read too many fairy tales, but that's what I believe. The strength and power in love is more powerful than hate, it's just easier to sink into hate when things feel dark.

Love. It's the order of the day.

Oh yeah, and GO STEELERS!